Trust.

I give trust completely to someone, and when they say they just use it up. I say I still trust you and when they hug me back, that gives me confidence. Go ahead, though, and use it all up, make the truths, dreams and promises you gave me and break them all. It's alright. That's what friends are for, not breaking promises, but for giving trust unconditionally, and that's what I do. No matter how many people abuse me, and now matter how many people hurt me, I still will trust. There are good people out there in the world that don't use, that don't take, and that don't hurt. I will find someone like that sometime. It's a matter of trust. I trust you and everyone else.

I feel hurt. I feel like crying. When she told me this, but I told her the truth that I'm still there and that I'm still a friend. It remains to be seen what the future brings, but I know what I will do as a friend. I will be there, and I will continue to need them and continue to care for them and help them when they need it. I am their friend.

I don't take friendship litely. It's one of the most serious things in the world, it's as serious as being in a relationship. Friends are dear to me, because I've abused so many in the past. I've come to the realization that if I don't give a friend everything I have inside, they might go away. I might lose them. I cannot lose anyone else again, no matter how little or how much they mean to me. Everyone means the world to me, there are no degrees of better or worse. Everyone is a person and everyone deserves trust, love, friendship, and most of all a hug when they need it.

Right now, I need a hug, but I don't have anyone to give me one. Some days that's all I think I want out of life. Is someone to hug me. I need the physical comfort more than words, than emotions, than anything. The physical abuse I suffered growing up has made me so frigid, cold, and empty, that a hug can fill me up with the warmth that makes me want to live.

I want to live, but I need the fuel to keep me going. Right now, and for 2 years now, I haven't had a hug from a friend. I'm running on empty, and I don't know how long I can go before I burn up. I'm burning up now, crying tears as they steam in the air. I'm hot all over from the chance at losing someone, I feel crazy inside that I might lose another person. I'm cold all over from not being held. I'm shivering and sweating. Won't someone please help make me feel loved, or at a least a little more normal, a little more sane?