Alone.

"Cry. Alone. Together. In the end the result is the same."

It's Thanksgiving night. What am I thankful? For being alive. That's the only thing I can think of. I guess I can be thankful I'm not in the ER. I finished off all the wine in the house that I could find (not there is much). I'm feeling slightly better singing along slightly drunk to Ani DiFranco. I also listen to her album Dilate when I feel terribly awful and stupid.

I had a fight with someone. It was about things I don't even remember. Isn't that how all fights are? It's stupid. I wish I wasn't so reliant on that person. Every single person tells me to distance myself, or stop talking to them, or anything. Anything except what I am doing now, relying on them for so much.

Jen is going on vacation for a week, again. A new friend that I met online this week is also going on vacation, well left today. I didn't get to say bye to them. That makes me feel really sad. It feels like everyone is leaving when it isn't true. Nicole just came back from MA, but we never have in-depth conversations anymore it seems. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my lack of personality. Maybe it's my drug-filled mind being empty. Whatever it is, I miss being able to talk to her about something meaningful.

I think the only person around for a while is Stacie. Stacie is reliant and I know she'll be there. I must seem kind of abusive to be talking about other people and how they aren't there for me when I know someone will always be there for me. That is abusive, I think. I'm thankful, yes I guess that's what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving, for having her as a friend.

I need someone here. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to hug me. I take everything that isn't right here, right now, right and real, for meaning very little. It's rude and wrong. I can't help it.

What else is bad? My grandmother is in the hospital, again, for pneumonia. I think it's getting close to that time for her. The hard thing for me, is that I can't care. I hardly knew this person, they hardly knew me, even though they always smiled when they saw me. You know how grandparents are. What am I going to do when they are gone? I'll probably cry. Why? I have no idea. I'll cry for the loss that could of been. I'll cry for the relationship that could of been. I'll cry for the things that never were.

My little sister has this stereotypical emo boy. This irritates me for some reason. It really shouldn't, it fits quite well I guess. My sister is a stereotypical post-punk person that goes to concerts every weekend and clubbing once a week. So why shouldn't so two people like that together? They shouldn't. No one should get together if they are just like everyone else. What differentiates my sister from all the other idiots? What differentiates this guy from all the other idiots? I guess I'm being too harsh, but right now I feel like I could scream at both of them, "Get some personality and stop complaining about your oh, so perfect lives!".

I hate everyone. I hate everyone who has someone. I hate being alone.