I've been having extremely vivid and realistic dreams this past two weeks. I know when I first started Lexapro a while back I had the same kind of dreams, but not as powerful for a week until it wore off. I don't know why I'm having dreams now. I also woke up around 3am with another painful priapism. The only thing I can think of is that the trazadone is causing it. As I did take it last night at 12:30am, but it's never caused painful erections that last for hours. There isn't a whole lot I can do about them either, just sit up (the most comfortable position so my penis isn't touching anything) and wait it out and if it gets too painful use ice cubes on the base to numb some of the pain.

I've been having a contiguous dream about being a private in the army at some school for training, scientific training. Except I'm so scared, like I was in high school and I kept breaking stuff during experiments and I don't know how to find a towel after I take a shower, or how to get food. Basically I don't know how to do anything right and I get yelled at and reprimanded a lot. I'd say this is an almost lucid dream, I know it's going on, and it's very real, but I don't realize it's not real, I just do what Allen would do in that situation, which is freak out and be very nervous and scared the whole time. I have this dream starting from where it left off almost every night now.

The other dream I have is about going to Longmont College, which doesn't exist, but it was a nightmare that I had when I was younger, around the age of 19 and I had dropped out of college at least once. It's very regimented and again I dream a lot about being late to class, and in class everything is hard for me to understand and I'm very frustrated. I'm not a stupid person and I never have a difficult class that makes me frustrated. When I turn in homework or am doing diagrams, like when I was dreaming last night, I was drawing basic cell diagrams showing how the cell membrane and inner cell looks exposed to different concentrations of aqueous solutions. I couldn't draw worth shit even though this is an easy thing to diagram and when I handed it in the female teacher (I think it was female) kind of laughed and told me to do it again and to not slack. I was so embarrassed, because everyone else heard it.

Then I when I woke up, it was after the college dream and it was 4am, and I was hallucinating for real. Not visual or auditory, but mentally. I was like, fuck, my mom takes a shower at 5am, but I need to get ready by 6am to go to college and if I take a shower now there won't be hot water for her and she'll be mad. So I sat there for 30 minutes with my stomach twisting in knots because I didn't know what to do. Finally it dawned on me that I really wasn't in college.
I'll be really honest, but this is happened every morning for several months. I'll wake up and freak out about being late for school and it takes me a while to get back to reality. I know hallucination an uncommon side effect of being on antidepressants , but I've also had the wake up and freak out about school thing going on since 19 or so.
I think all of these dreams are somehow related to how I see myself as a failure and how things didn't work out in the story I haven't told you, the story I haven't told anyone, not even my therapist. I think I might talk to my new therapist if I can trust him. I'll see him in 1.5 months if I decide that I'm going to start therapy again.

Last night I experimented more with anal play and used the end of a hairbrush, made out of plastic with ribbing. The kind that Cassy told me she loves to masturbate with sometimes because the ribbing makes it hurt a little and feel so good. I didn't do any prep other than sticking a finger up my ass and playing and then oiling up my asshole and the hairbrush. I pressed it in an inch, to the part where stuff stops until you relax your whole body, then I just took a breath and let my entire body go, and pushed the entire thing inside and was so disappointed that it wasn't longer. I'd guess that it was 5" inside me. From reading non-biased articles by women who prefer (or like anal sex a lot), they say to use a dildo about 7" long for the best pleasure. I know their clit is about 2.5" inside, while my prostrate is a little before that, 2" right where I can stick my middle finger in up to the middle knuckle and press my flesh up against my prostrate as though it's some kind of male clit and I rub it like one. I didn't do much with the brush I just fucked myself with it, fairly fast, and the ridges made it feel so heavenly, there is so much sensation up there, it feels better than having sex with all the nerve endings inside. I'd fuck myself with it and because I wished it was thick like a dick or dildo, I'd grab the end of it and twirl it up and down while pumping it in and out of me. I felt so satisfied after I was done, which is something I can't really say about any other kind of sex I've done. I felt fulfilled, instead of kind of emotionally and physically drained like other kinds of sex. For my next experiment I need to find something bigger. I was thinking the age-old cucumber, but I don't think I'm ready for that size, I know I can take it, but I don't know if I'd like it yet. I can't think of anything round and at least an 1" in diameter and 5" or longer. Argh. I'll search the house at night to find stuff. There has to be something usable.