comfort in familiarity

maybe you used to be like me. who knows. maybe you can understand from that perspective. maybe you never were, and maybe that is why it's so painful.

i hate pain. i hate causing pain. i hate that i do cause pain, in such vindictive ways. i do. it hurts me more than the other person to read what i write or say. i do it anyway. i'm sick of it, but change comes slow and it might not ever change.

we change for ourselves, if we can, we don't change for others even if that's the biggest reason why people want to change. it's a hard situation to deal with and to be involved with in any kind of way. even as a passive friend, seeing a person do the same mistakes, over and over again. it hurts you. it hurts me to be told what i already know what i'm doing.

there is comfort in familiarity, there is comfort in pain, there is comfort in the cycle of anguish. and there is disgust at the thought of all that i keep doing.