I can't remember when I have cried so deeply as I am crying now. The memory of the past, of all the good things that happened with Jen, all of it keeps coming back to me no matter how much I want it to go away because it makes me cry that I ruined the best thing in my life and made it hate and despise me all because I was lying and deceitful. I've gone from the being rescued by Jen to the highest point in my life, the happiest, brightest times, to the utter lowest and darkest depression that I've been in. I cannot make friends, I have perhaps two or three friends online that I don't see very often and I very much need someone in real life to hug me.
I hate myself and if I still had the energy I'd be trying to kill myself even though I know it means I'll probably end up in a mental ward again. I'd do anything to rid myself of this pain and I mean it. I wish I could ask for forgiveness, but I know that is too cruel of a thing of me to ask and I know it wouldn't be given and isn't deserved. I just need to keep pushing it out of my mind and stay focused on the present and the future, even if I will be spending ages in this depression before I get out of it.