Another day has passed. I think I must upset Chris or something when I try to leave. I always end up feeling guilty and staying. I don't know why I feel guilty and she says she doesn't feel bad, so I guess everything is alright. I do like staying, I guess I'm just a little agitated after 2 or 3 hours and feel the need to do something else. I wasn't like that before, I could chat for 12 hours without needed a break or anything. Sometimes my body and mind feels like a completely different person and I'm not at all used to being in this "new" skin.

I think I double dosed today, but I don't know. I checked those little pill containers that have the letter of the day on them and noticed that last night's was still there. I swore I had taken it, but I took it this morning just in case. It's kind of strange and funny that one of the very first (possibly the first?) antidepressents from way back in the 40's and 50's works on me better than all those newer ones. I wish my anxiety would go away fully, however. I wish they would understand that it's always going to be there without a potent benzodiazapine to stop it. I hope the GABA like effects of Neurotin works as well as a benzo. At least it's something new that I've never tried and I've tried a great many things to try to control my anxiety.

I really wish I had something to do on Halloween and a friend to spend it with. It's one of those holidays that I actually like that doesn't involve family gatherings. I really dislike Thanksgiving and Christmas, because of all the requisite parties and family gatherings that you have to attend. Smiling like you know everyone and that you're happy to be there, when in reality everyone would just rather be someone else and they are drinking so they can pretend better.

Oh well. I need some new music to listen to. Maybe I can convince my mother to give me some money so I can get a couple CDs. Listening to Bright Eyes all day just makes me sad, which is good, but I need something else that doesn't make me quite as depressed but goes well with my current mood.