I feel the taste of violation as I force this cold lover inside my mouth. The smell of grease nauseates me, making my already upset stomach clench with fear and anticipation. The metal forces my tongue down and I'm unable to speak. My body makes muffled sounds of protest, disagreeing with my mind. Tears start to fall down my face, but I don't know what I'm crying about. Even now I don't understand myself. I never did. My hands are sweating, losing their grip, losing my mind, as panic sets in and the pained sobbing grows insistent and pleading, trying to make me change my mind. I feel calm, even with the sweat dripping down my forehead and my shaking hands, everything turns slow. My eyes close and I stare at the blackness and wonder if it'll be the last thing I see, I push everything out of my mind. Everyone I've ever cared about. No one matters. I shake and I shiver and in that moment of clarity, I pull the trigger. Click. I'm calm. The tears have stopped and my voice no longer protests, and the shaking subsides. I feel empty, but the thoughts that were racing through my mind earlier have stopped, the ideas that I wanted to cling to have disappeared. I don't have hope. I don't have anything. I have gained confidence, at least. My hands have stopped sweating and I put a bullet into the chamber and pause. I decide to hide the gun again, save it for another time, and unchamber the bullet. They are hidden now. It is my own secret shame, but I don't feel shame anymore, or remorse, just relief that something of me is still hidden from the world and cannot be taken or stolen or changed or lied to or hurt. There is permeance in having this kind of security, and it's the only thing I can cling to tonight. I cannot cling to emotions or people, but tomorrow I will fool myself again and try to maintain a normal life. The secret will always be there when I need it, when I don't have the strength to keep maintaining this false sense of a life worth living.


The Lyndsay Diaries - A Self Portrait

Today the sun burned away at my face and i just let it burn.
Another angel turned her back on me.
She folded her wings and hung her head.
God you gave me this heart but I was wondering if I could trade it in.
I wail and I weep for I can not sleep for I stare at the ghosts of my own design.

Driving past the quiet steeples in the night.
I harbor these tears in my eyes.
She thinks she is hearing sounds in the night and I am fighting just to sleep.
And I wail and I weep.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Shatter the glass of my eye.
And I will come to see this blinding darkness.
And I've lost sight of all that is real.
For I sit here alone. I write a novel of my own.
And there are no happy endings in this tradgedy.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Sometimes I am almost content in my sorrow.
My ship is sailing to the seas.
So wave and blow your kisses.
Cause I'm not sure I'll be home anytime soon.

I've set out to fail the world.
I've set out to fail myself.
I will dream the dreamers lie that everything is okay.
When everything isn't okay.

He says my burden is also his but I don't want to put this on him.
Stare up at steeples lost in the night. I find myself so lost on the inside.

And now I've only a house full of regrets.
And as the wind blows it takes with it all the memories.
And as the breeze blows I turn my eyes to the skies and hope for hope
that this will soon come to pass.