I don't know what is happening to me. I can't sleep at night. I take and take pills, but nothing will sedate me. I just lay in bed like a zombie, except all I can think about is that I don't want to be here. I don't know remember what I do during the day. Do I do anything at all? It's all blacked out. I take ultram almost everyday now. I can't stop myself from feeling bad. I can't stop myself from looking over the edge. I can't stop myself from putting one foot off into empty space, just to see what it feels like to face my own nightmares, or is it dreams? I don't know what's wrong. I don't know anything. I don't know anymore.
How did I end up where I am. How did I end up back in this place that I've tried to escape from. How did I drive so far and decide to stop here. Why didn't I keep going and not of taken that exit, and seen what would of happened. I don't take chances. I don't let anything good happen to myself. I drown myself in self-doubt and pity. I hate my existence and I hate that I was the one that made it so. I can blame myself, I can be angry at others, but I put myself in this situation. I want out. I don't have the energy to escape.
I'm so hopeless and desperate. I try to not let anyone know, but they all know. They all know I won't be along for very long, and that each day is a struggle for me, and when I say okay, it's just white lies, because I don't want to concern anyone else. I have dragged down everyone I have ever cared about with me, I don't want to bring another person into my personal hell. I don't know what to feel for people. Should I even feel anything for people, when I believe that I won't be around to appreciate it, and that I will break their hearts by disappearing? I am good at going away. I have left so many people without saying goodbye, without saying anything. So many people that I miss. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I hurt myself and I hurt them by leaving. I can't take people getting close to me, and if I become uncomfortable I disappear from their lives. The phone calls at night and the email messages and letters, make me cry. They make me hurt. They make me want to die for betraying the trust in friendship. I'm sorry for what I do. I'm sorry for everything that makes me who I am. Everything about me that was good has disappeared. I have grown old, and I am jaded. I don't believe in miracles, or magic, or anything that I wish I did. I believe in the cruelty of the world and the hatred of mankind. I believe in being alone and hurting because I don't want to be with anyone else, no matter how much I think I want it. My soul died a long time ago, and my body is still here. I try to kill my body, but it clings to some futile strand of hope that I just can't see. Please stop trying, I don't want to be here.
There is no one here for me. People say they are, but I can't let them know the depth of what is wrong. I can't let them know what I am thinking. I can't let myself know what I am thinking. I blank everything out. I have blackouts constantly, because I am scared of what I did or what might of happened. My entire childhood is empty, black, with only a few grainy pictures. What happened then? I don't want to know. Growing up, I was beaten, I was abused, I was verbally taunted - by those that are supposed to love me. I learned from them how to hate myself, and I hate this ugly flower that I've become. I haven't blossomed into anything, except a weed that clings to people that will let me, and I dig my roots deep into their heart and take what I can for sustenance and give them back nothing. I am a parasite. I deserve nothing. My loathing for myself grows stronger each day, and each day I want to forget who I am, and black my memory out again. I hardly remember anything from my life now. Only a few things, and how long until I make those memories disappear forever until I can't ever retrieve them. There is only me in my mind, and it's the child I was when I was young. Angry, hateful, spiteful, destructive, hurting myself and those that cared about me, to just get someone to pay attention. I want attention, but I don't know how to receive it without despising it. I want help, but I don't know how to accept it without sneering at them. I am a child brought up by dispassionate and cold parents, that didn't express a single brief moment of love towards me. I have always been alone and always will be.