I am a wreck. This is the first time in a really long time that I've had a petit mal seizure in my upper body and I even took my medication which is scary. I'm supposed to be on it twice a day but I only have 15 or so pills left, so I only take them when I think I might have one soon. I don't have the money to get anymore so I guess I'm going to ask my parents if they can loan me money or something, which is pretty unlikely as I don't get along with them. I think I'm going to have to drop out of school this semester, I can't go to school if I can't sleep at night without stuff preventing my RLS. I don't know what to do, I can't get a job because I'm too terrified of people, so I can't buy anything. I can't buy anything to let me get a job, because I don't have a job in the first place. It's all very fucked up. Forgive me for using that word, but it's the best one in this situation. I know I've just been avoiding thinking about the whole thing too, thinking I would be fine and hoping I wouldn't have to deal with RLS and not being able to sleep and I thought I had gotten over my seizures, but I guess not. I don't know what I was thinking I could go to college again without any antianxiety stuff to stop daily panic attacks that will happen if I go to college. I feel like a mess. Is it even worth it to be alive being this medicated, and knowing you have to be? I don't have to be on antidepressents or antianxiety stuff if I don't have to go to school or have a job, but that's a pretty unlikely life, unless I meet some girl/boyfriend that will support me like I did for Jen for 4 years. Highly improbably that anyone has that kind of money, even if they had the kindness, and I wouldn't accept it anyway.
I don't really want to talk to my parents about this. They are very antimedication and I most likely won't get any help. Then they will be angry that I'm not working and that I'm not in school. Which will eventually lead to them wanting me to leave out, because I'm 'lazy', even though they don't understand that I can't deal with a job or school without help.
What's even more stupid is I don't even the money to see 10 Dr.'s before I find one that is kind and listens to me and actually understands and will prescribe what I need. Most Dr.'s will go, have you tried exercise? Which makes me want to slap them, because they don't understand what it's like to be in constant fear of everyone and everything, and yes I do exercise, thank you Dr. for the advice.
I feel so utterly screwed. I know stress brought on the seizures & RLS, but school would have brought them on anyway, and much worse. I'm past any sleep I could of gotten, I guess if I'm lucky I can get a nap in this afternoon if I am tired enough. I am tired. My eyes are exhausted and when I close them I can't stop seeing things.
I feel so deplorable and desperate, this post reeks of disgust at myself for being how I am. I'd trade anything to be 'normal' enough so that I didn't need this stuff just to survive.
If somehow I can find a way to get what I need I'm going to stop the antidepressent and get myself back, its been what 8-9 years that I haven't been off an antidepressent. I think I've forgotten who I am and am only starting to remember again now thanks to a very good friend, and thanks to them I'm actually strong enough to deal with my depression (with their help when I need it).
Oh, I forgot my asthma inhaler is almost empty too. I feel like I'm near the edge of being crazy, one foot hanging in midair, while I'm laughing at my own situation.
I just want to cry at myself. I really hate myself and want anything except me.