So, it's late. I've stayed up almost 3 or so hours since I last talked to Maegan, just because I'm scared and I want to be available if she needs a friend to talk to or someone to keep her company, or in the very rare instance that she might call, just so I'd be awake for her. I know that it seems crazy that I would do this for someone, but I do it for anyone that means something to me, and she means so much to me. I haven't really any idea about what's going on, except a vague idea of what the panic attack might be from, I don't know what the confusion is about, well maybe I do, but I'm not sure. I just wish (and I know I could get in a lot of trouble and scare her away by saying this) that I could wrap my arms around her so she knows that she's safe and that I'm there, I really wish I could have done that for her before she went to bed. :(
I think anyone can see through me and know how I must feel, so I'm not really hiding anything, I'm just trying to be as best of a friend I can be in whatever capacity that means. I'd be more than a friend and probably hint at it if there wasn't someone else involved. I don't really want to hurt anyone's feelings, most of all hers.
I'm being way too open and it's going to get me in trouble. I know it's a journal and I am supposed to write what I want, and anything I say here can just not be commented on and they can pretend that they haven't read it - so it gives me safety. In that I can express myself without too much fear of any harm (I hope).
I must seem incredibly silly for staying up so late, but I don't feel silly, so it isn't wasted time. I think it was time put to good use, and I got to think a lot about myself and my past and think about how I should conduct myself with new friends and people that I may or may not like. I usually almost always disregarded other people's advice and just went with what felt 'right' at the time, but that led to a lot of heartache on my part, and a lot of friendships ruined, so I know I don't want to do that anymore. I think friends mean a lot more to me now than any other kind of relationship I could be in with a person, whatever that is - associate, partner, lover, friend & partner, friend & lover. I regret all the past things that have happened when I lived in MA and I regret losing the friends I had there, and I don't want to lose a friend ever again. I want to treat them better than I've treated anyone, including someone I love, and I guess that's probably strange for most people, but it feels 'right' to me, and my mind at least agrees, so I'm not doing anything stupid (I hope). It's all just new to me and I'm always second guessing myself now and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
My own voice inside my head won't ever leave me alone, always questioning what I do and I hate it.