I've given up. Almost. I know one letter will break the resolve, because I'm that weak of a person, and that lonely of a person. But I'm denying it and them, but it's not like they are trying to talk to me either. So it isn't much of a denial. And I don't want to write a spiteful, you fuck thanks for everything - goodbye, kind of letter. I guess I've somewhat matured a little, I would of done that a few months ago probably. Now all I do is beg still for a while, and try to understand. The understanding never comes, except the understanding that people are cruel, no matter how nice you think they are, you always have to be on the defensive and can't trust anyone. It's really depressing.

I try to trust, and I trust my only real "close" friend I have, Maegan. She seems good, but I have to watch myself and make sure that I don't leave myself open to being hurt. It's stupid to say that now. I've already told her a lot of things I haven't ever told anyone, not Jen, not Nicole, not anyone. It's just really easy sharing with her, because she has a lot of similiar experiences for only being 16 and it's comforting knowing we both went through miserable things. Comforting for both of us I hope. I do hope to meet her soon and hope we have a good time, even if she is 2 hours away. It's worth it to go that far away for a good friend. God knows I need one. I think I need to see a real person and just know that there's someone real out there that is good and kind and worthwhile. I already spend all my days waiting for emails and people to come on AIM so I can talk to them. It's sad and depressing. I hate it. I could bear it a little more if I had knowledge that I had a real friend in real life, but that they were just distant.

I think I'm going to be stuck here in CO for a while. I don't know what to do. I don't have the energy to care or do anything. I'm so lonely and that will be pervasive no matter where I live. I won't have friends and I'll have to meet people somehow and I've already started the process of trying to meet people here so I might as well stay. I am hoping that college in CO isn't horrible and that people are as openminded as the people in MA, because I don't plan on changing the person I am just to make my life easier, and changing how I look just to avoid stares and looks.

I'm running low on medication and money. I only have like $600 left and the $300 in medication I ordered (and some recreation... for Stefany. ), still hasn't gotten here. I guess everything just takes longer here in CO. The air is thinner, slower, wraps around you like a snake and suffocates you gently and insidiously. Friends come slowly and with demon eyes. Lovers come tainted and painted red in lies. Everything here is wrong it feels like.

I miss home, wherever home is. I want home. Please tell me where it is. Maegan? Anyone? Tell me. I clutch onto her dreams, because it is so easy, and because I want to believe in something. It's so good to share someone's dream and I want to be a part of a dream and help her and Rachel as much as I can. I want to do something good. I want to try for good people, and I think they are good people. So I dream for now, and wait in depression until something changes.

Allen