My life is very boring. Dear, dear journal what should I write about? God, I'm bored. I need a hobby or I need to buy a book or something. There is only so much moping and laying around I can do in a day before I'm sick of it, and only being able to sleep 5 or 6 hours most nights doesn't really help the situation. There's only so many long showers I can take, sitting there pondering my own life while I escape the dreadful Colorado heat. I haven't seen Maegan today, kind of lonely, but I suppose it's her birthday party maybe? If it is, I hope the relatives aren't too terrible to be around. What else to write about. Had a really good time talking to Maegan last night, I think we're becoming really good friends, I hope we are. There are times where I wonder if I'm supposed to be doing more, but I'm not because I'm too scared or if I'm just imagining things. I wish I wasn't so careful, but careful is good after everything that has happened in my life, all the past wrongs and everything that made me hurt. I can't let myself clutch too tightly to friends, even if I know I can rely on them to the end, which I know I can with her. Stefany just made this big hole where I used to keep what was left of my dreams, and it's only slowly starting to grow back. I browsed gothic personals looking for anyone that wants to email or anything, searched the entire Colorado area, the entire 3 pages, and came up with 2 possible people to write to. One is only a possibility because she lives in the same town as me and I feel pretty lonely, but I honestly hate her ad, and she acts very young, so I don't know if I want to write to her. The other, I think, lives in Denver and seems possibly interesting to write to. I just don't have the energy to write to anyone now. Pretty stupid isn't it? I'm lonely and want friends and an escape from boredom, but I'm not doing anything about it; I guess I don't have a reason to complain if I can't come up with the energy to escape my own mind and depression. I don't really want to meet new people even. I've just lost the care. I just want to have friends around, but the energy to write to people, sort through them, and hope that we're both compatible and get along, is just not there right now. Maybe it'll come later. I really don't want to try to make friends in college, I don't like any of them and it feels like I'm settling for so little and having to put up with so many things that truely make me bothered (like racism, homophobia, etc., anything bad), and I don't want to have to put up with something like that just to know that I have a 'friend'.
It's bitter that the friends I do have are so far away. Nicole is a 'friend', a good 28 hours away. Maegan truely is a friend, but she's 2 or so hours away. How long can I survive in CO living like this? I don't want to make any bets, as that's being pretty cruel to myself, but it doesn't feel like very long.
I need friendship, real life comfort, and love; is that too much to ask? I suppose it is, I've been asking for those things all my life and I can't ever get a good balance of what I need in my life. I'm always deficient in some area, but it's been so long that I'm not used to being so lonely and without the constant attention that multiple friends can give you. I feel stupid, wanting all this attention. What do I even want it for? I don't know. I feel stupid even writing.