Where to start? I got to talk to Stefany a while finally. Something is going on really bad with her father, and he thinks she's dead. It is not good at all. I tried my best to comfort her, but I feel so futile. I want to help her in real life, but even then, I have no idea what I would have done. I talked to her on the phone too. I actually called without her asking me, because I was tired of waiting for her to come back online and I really really wanted to talk to her and I think she really liked it a lot that I called. I tried several other times that night to call her, but I couldn't get ahold of her. That was pretty depressing. She asked me to email her the letter that I wasn't meaning to email her. I don't know what her response will be. Hopefully something good. It umm.. has a lot of emotional things about how I feel and what I wish I could do together with her, and I don't know how she will react. I know for sure that we like each other, but I don't know if she will react will to that email, if it will make her happy or make her scared or relucant to talk to me, because I might be in way deeper than her. That's why I'm trying to be so careful with my emotions. I don't want to be in any deeper than the other person, so I don't get hurt. I promised I'd give myself to Stefany and she said she would take good care of me. It makes me feel really good. I really do want to give myself completely in every way possible to her.

Jen emailed me wanting me to talk to her on AIM, but I don't have AIM anymore. So I called her. I guess whatever she wanted to talk about was figured out or she decided not to talk about it anymore. She didn't seem angry at me, like I thought she would sound, she is god fucking angry in every email she writes to me. She seemed. Maybe a little on the sad side, surprised that I called I think, and maybe a little lonely and actually somewhat sympathetic towards me, but I don't know if I'm imagine the sympathy part because I want to. I wished her a good summer and hoped that everything was okay with her and than said goodnight. I didn't really have anything else to say to her and that was the politest thing I could say and I did mean it, I do hope everything is okay and she has a good summer, even if our relationship was hell and we treated each other like shit, and she had the police take me out of the house. I still somehow can wish she is doing okay. I don't know what my problem is. I should be angry and pissed off right still?

It's hard for me to stay angry, but when I'm angry, watch out. I'll hurt you ten times more than you hurt me. I hate that about me. I don't want that part of myself, and I want it to go away. Especially now. I don't want ot hurt Stefany and she trusts me such a great deal that I'm very, very scared. I told her not to trust me so much, but she refuses, because she says I couldn't hurt her. I'm scared. I don't want to hurt her, she is so good. She means everything to me. It's scary to say that. I haven't even met her, but she does. Stuff is going really fast emotionally and I'm trying to deal with it and not reveal too much of my emotions, in case she doesn't feel the same way. I think she does, but I don't want to get hurt and I don't want her to lose me as a friend, just because I like her a lot and she doesn't like me as much.