Did I scare Stefany away? I know I'm being paranoid, because I didn't talk to her yesterday and haven't talked to her today either. I hope I get to talk to her today. I need to figure out my place in my own life and her life and I am still really worried about her hospital visit and how that is going and her father too. I'm worried a lot about her. I'm almost scared of the email that I sent her, that she told me to send, the one I was writing when I called her on the phone. The email with a lot of emotional things and stuff like how I wanted to be all tangled up and close to her. I don't know how that will be received. I want to know how it was received. It will give me a better idea of what is wanted from me, or what isn't wanted from me. I know she considers me to be a great friend, but does she consider me to be anything else? I know we hug online a lot and even kiss now, but I don't know how much is play and how much is real. I know the hugging is real, because she has said she would like it in real life. So at least I know that part, but that just reassures the friendship and casts doubt on things past it, making it all foggy and unclear. Maybe she just wants a good friend, that can be physical at the right moments and hug her and comfort her and the rest of the time be a great person to hang out. Maybe she doesn't want anything else from me, nothing further physical, nothing further emotionally. I don't really want anything physically, in the traditional sense, of sex and things related to that. I want an emotional relationship, lots of touching, hugging, kissing - all with feelings behind it.

I feel pretty tired out today. Worked a ton yesterday and worked more today, and my legs are dead achy and so is most of my upper body. I'm supposed to lift weights and work out, but I think I'll skip a day and just recover. My legs really are killing me, I shouldn't have ridden 20 minutes on the bicycle machine yesterday, but I didn't think it would hurt this much, and all the roofing work on top of it, all that carrying just pushed it over the edge. I took 4 ibuprofen to take the edge off, but it won't do much else.

I feel lonely. I haven't even talked to Aimee today. I usually talk to her a few times a day, as she sends me a lot of messages on Yahoo telling me to wake up or whatever, but maybe she isn't home today or something. I haven't talked to anyone today. Lonely me. I feel like tearing up and crying, but I don't want to right now. I don't want someone to walk up and see me crying. It's weird how I only like to cry when I'm alone and no one can notice. Like in the shower or something. I don't like people hearing me crying. Except I cry on the phone a ton when I talk(ed) to Nicole, which was pretty weird. But that part of my life is over. Anyway...

I guess I'm going to go and hope someone will talk to me,
I miss people and Stefany and hope she still likes me.
Allen