I did not sleep very well last night if you can call it that. It was pretty much toss and turn, and look at the clock every 30 minutes, but I did stay in bed the entire night. Some thought kept haunting me over and over, but I cannot remember it now. I wish I did. All I know is that I was worried about something and I just kept thinking about it.
The previous day was enjoyable after I got over my very, very bad depression. It just kept getting worse and worse, and I was getting scared of what I might do to myself so I broke my fast from Ultram (one more day and it would of been a whole week - really amazing for me), ended up snorting more than I want to think about, but I felt very good for most of the night after that and spent most of it talking to Brianna as she talked and took breaks to bleach and dye her hair, which is now a dark purple I think, but I haven't seen a picture of it. I also told her why I was feeling bad, which I have been holding back on for a while, and I think things are okay now. She doesn't seem bothered by why I was getting depressed and I think I'm better with the whole situation now.
Lauren talked to me a little and I shared some of my writing with her, because the past few days she's been sharing a lot of her artwork and a lot of her writings she does to express herself. She called me brilliant, which is really way too big of a compliment, but it made me blush horribly. She also wanted to know when I could come visit and I said anytime in Feb. I can go to Colorado Springs.
Cassy was home today from Denver (she moved there Tuesday). I've been really worried about her, as I know she gets very emotional at night and cannot deal well with things on her own without anyone to talk to and she has bad problems with feelings of loneliness. She's in a new place, has a new job, and no friends there except her Dad which she really doesn't get along with. She has to buy a bunch of new clothes to work at the capital as an intern, that is just sucky, I mean I kind of expected it, but she already dressed pretty professional anyway. She doesn't have true online there, in the sense that she can't be on AIM or YIM to talk to someone when she needs to, which is why I've been thinking about her almost every night hoping that she was doing okay. She told me that I should email her, and I said okay. And then she she said "No, really.", which surprised me as we aren't super close or anything we just have kept each other company for a ton of nights. We're not the kind of people that you would expect to be friends as she's as different from me as you can get, but we both get lonely at night and pretend snuggle with each other because we are so sad and feel so empty. So I will try to write her an email, I'm just unsure of what to say to her, because when I'm around her I put aside my depression so I can help her feel better, and it's a lot more difficult for me to do that in email, as I'm just fairly frank and say how I'm feeling, even if it sounds like I'm whining. I'll try to write a good email though.
I'm supposed to call Maegan today, but I'm kind of nervous. I don't really know what to say. I mean I have missed her a lot as she was one of the sweetest and kindest people I have known, but I'm always nervous on the phone, no matter how much we've talked online and I've even hung out with her in real life and I'm still so shy on the phone that it just sucks.
When I woke up I saw someone online that I hadn't seen for about a week, I was kind of surprised as it's an odd hour for every time zone really (I think it was a little after 5:30AM), and I said good morning, but it was not a very good morning. I was told something that I was not at all expecting, in fact I kind of just blanked from the shock of it, and then I felt horrid to the extreme, but I also felt useless at the same time, not know what, if anything I could do to help. I always want to help if I sense someone is feeling bad, or is feeling bad, for whatever the reason, the reason doesn't matter, I just want them to feel better. I just do not seem to have the skills to make anyone happy even if I try and try. Sigh. I'm actually crying over this, and I don't understand why, it doesn't make any sense to me that I should cry. I don't think I want to think about this right now indepth and figure out why I'm reacting this way.