For the few? people that still read this (2 that I know of), one mentioned that I don't attribute my quotes often, so I'll try to remedy that. In case they want to find out more about that specific person, to know who said it, or to learn more about that person.

"What is carved in human flesh is an image of society." --Mary Douglas

I do not like this reflection. I do not like this depiction. I do not like that I am a historian of abuse, of trauma, of hurt. My body is becoming a roadmap to follow stories. My stories and footnotes to other people's stories. I hurt too deep for tears - tears are now empty, passionless, and fall freely. It's something I've experienced enough, that it no longer effects me the way it should. I'm an addict of hurting, and the tears no longer satiate my fix.

"Scars are stories, history written on the body." --Kathryn Harrison

I've been thinking more about the issue of self-hurt. I was going to cut a day or so ago, but stopped, purely by luck, because someone was online that I wasn't expecting and I talked to her for a while. Today I feel very bad, I feel nothing. I do not feel a single thing, but a lack of feeling anything - so intense, that I want to escape it. There are no problems bothering me right now that I know of. There is nothing that I'm upset about that I know of. Why am I like this? I don't want to feel like this. I even take drugs, both legal and illegal to stop feeling like this. I even resort to cutting myself at the worst moments to stop feeling like this. Why is this feeling of emptiness so pervasive in my life? Is it emotions picked up from other people I know? Stories of their lives that embed themselves in my mind. All of it put together that I can't think of anything, because all my thoughts are filled with hurt and pain? That not even my own mind can provide an imaginination that I wish to escape to? I know that my scars tell a history, for each one is there for a different reason, but what about now? What stories will new ones tell, when I inflict them because of lack of emotion? What person put that scar there? What memory does that scar hold? I do not know. I'm scared. I want to feel. I don't want ithe answer to be as simplistic as me telling myself, "I put that there, because I wanted to feel something else.". If I really wanted that I could reach for drugs, they work well enough. For this feeling of nothing though, it does not work well enough.

Where will my salvation lay when this too no longer is my fix? Please tell me something that can give me hope, for I am without it.