I sat in the shower until the water got cold. Sat in the corner, with my knees drawn up to me letting the water hit my downturned head and just thought about life, and how much I wish I could remove myself from it. I know I'm playing at a game when I try to overdose, but it's a game I like to play, I just keep losing at it. No worries about overdose tonight, just an abnormal amount of sedatives, but I've gone higher. I keep track, so I know what I can take and the effect it produces on me. Just a normal amount of ami's, not the LD50 amount, it doesn't make me the least bit sedated. I wonder if my Dr. will change the 25mg's to 100mg's. It's annoying to swallow those 4 green pills just to get the normal dose, and it's not really any kind of deterrent to suicide. I don't know why my thoughts are so melancholy at the moment. Nothing in particular is bad, other than things with my father and arguing and such, but whatever, it doesn't matter to me, that just makes me want to hide. I keep listening to the same Appleseed Cast songs over and over, actually the same cd, since it's so good. I wish I could have his voice singing those bleak words in my head all the time, while I'm sleeping, while I'm awake, while I'm eating, while I'm doing everything. Well I get to see my Dr. again next week and I'm pretty sure he'll increase my klonopin, as I actually do need it and I'm not wanting more because I want to snort it or whatever, and they seem to like to prescribe klonopin, just in very weak doses. I don't know if the Lexapro is doing anything to be honest. My mood is better since the last time I've seen him. That's odd, I'm talking about suicide and I'm saying my mood is better. Well anyway, I'll double up on it I guess if he thinks thats good and hopefully get on another TCA and trazadone *and* a beta blocker which he already has no problems prescribing he just wanted me to get less depressed before he prescribed it. Talking about medication is stupid. It's like a constant subject on here. It's not going to fix me or make any of my problems better, it'll just make them easier to deal with is all. And when it comes to dealing, I don't, and I can't. Everyone knows that about me that's known me in real life or for any amount of time online. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm numb. I'm happy. I'm ecstactic. I'm dumb. I'm numb again.
I'm worried about Brianna. She left kind of early and I know she is going to cut tonight. I almost cut tonight. I'm not counting days, but I'd guess it's almost 2 months since the last time. I'm definately not counting days since I've been clean. I can't even think straight enough to count up the days, what 3? I'm pathetic.
I need something to pull me out of this. I feel my emotions dragging down, down and down, and I haven't been this moody in a while. I am scared when I'm this moody, because I can do anything and I will regret it later. I try to keep control on myself, but myself doesn't want to be controlled. It wants to do the most hurt it can do it itself and cry and cry and cry, not because I hurt, but because I don't care that I'm hurting.