I'm not sure, what is worse, getting inspiration from Christian Rock and writing things that just lack the feeling that I want it to show, or just sitting here crying to a God that isn't there for me. I feel spiritual right now, or rather I want to be, or I feel that I should be, or think that I'm missing something that people have. I'm not sure if it's because I feel closer to whatever is out there when I hurt myself. I notice that there is something there, that I haven't noticed before, just something that I can't quite explain, but it's there. I wish I had faith in something, or that I could lie to myself and pretend to have faith in anything. I don't care what it is, that's how far down I am. I hear my own whispers of the Lord's Prayer on my lips, and I stop myself and ask myself what is this foolishness. I stopped believing in that a long time ago, if I ever did. I lied to myself just to have something to believe in, just to have something to give me strength, and it did, but I couldn't take the lies, and I couldn't take the looks, and most of all I couldn't take the deception to myself -- so I could have something. The lies always hurt the most after you stop believing in them. There is no one there, and there will never be anyone there, so why am I reciting a lie to myself to a God I don't believe in? I want something to believe in. It used to be so easy to fall in love and believe in it. I've had enough broken hearts, and I've lost most of the pieces, that I feel as though I've put back shards of glass into my chest instead of my own vitality. It hurts to even have the desire and want there. It hurts even more to think I might feel that way again, and how will that feel on this shattered glass heart, it's ready to cut me for feeling and I'm so easy to bleed. Have I learned my lessons? Was there a lesson to learn from any of my experiences? I learned that feeling hurts. Now I don't want it, but still my body betrays me and slowly feelings creep up upon me that I don't want to feel. Why do I have to hurt myself this way? I already hurt. I already hurt myself. Do I need another way to punish myself? Am I sadistic, for feeling this way, for hurting myself knowingly in so many ways? I don't enjoy it, I know that, but I keep doing it. These things are addictive, but I still try find belief in empty answers. I wish I had something to fall back upon. I always envied those that had true faith. They always had inner strength that I lacked, the strength that I so desperately want right now to stop me from feeling anything.
Who can I rely on, when I can't rely on myself? Who can I fall back on, when I will run away? Who can I believe, when I am a stranger? Who can I trust, when I will just lie?

Sometimes the feeling never comes.
When all I want is someone to notice you.
When all I want is someone to care.
The sun can be shining, but I don't see it.
The love can be there, but I don't feel it.
Sometimes the feeling never comes.
The price for my joy is just too much.
To show my face means they will judge.
They always judge.
When all I want is the will to get out of bed.
When all I want is some understanding.
Sometimes the feeling never comes.

I really wish I could put the feeling down on the page the way that it feels inside me, but I don't know how. I don't know the words to say, and I don't know how to combine them to make it equal what is hurting me. I try anyway, if I didn't try, then I'd just have to keep it all inside.

I never was best at smiling.
I never was best at laughing.
I never was best at trying.
I never was best at being Allen.