I can't sleep. That's nothing really new, it was like this last night except I was actually in bed. I was in bed watching Requiem For A Dream, as I wanted to feel more depressed. I can't ever watch the last 30-45 minutes of it, I just have to turn it off. I hate it. I don't like the ending and it reminds me too much of what I might end up like, or what I'm on the path to, but I watch the movie every so often, maybe to try to make myself feel something, to make things different or make me try to care or do something. I don't know what to do. I just swallowed more pills, that's certainly not helping. I can't stop feeling what I'm feeling. I went from numb to blank-faced sad. I feel the tears almost at the edge, but I can't just seem to push them down my face.
I'm worried I'll end up staying up all night and use my daytime fatigue as an excuse for not going to the library. Sigh. I'm sick of myself and my fucking excuses and fucking avoiding everything. I'm sick of how I act. I'm sick that I can realize the bad things inside me, but I fight myself when I try to be different. I fucking hate myself. I know the steps to take to make things better or at least better, I'm trying slowly, but inside something is fighting me and holding onto the past, or what's left of the person I used to know, and all the protection that it used to give me. I don't want to let go of that. I don't want to be exposed, and let anyone be able to get inside and fuck me over. I already let people inside, I don't want to make it any easier for them. I want to go away. Just me and someone that cares.