I want the impossible to happen.
I want Jen to be friends with me again.
I want her to not hate me.
I want to regain her trust.

None of this is possible. She won't ever trust me again. She won't ever be my friend again. This farce or whatever you would call it where we talk somewhat regularly online is hurtful to me, it makes big holes in myself appear and I can't fill them fast enough with drugs, false emotions and hopes, or anything else I can't. It's just all falling tears and blood, from festering old wounds that have never healed. They have just festered with time waiting until the right moment to burst open and bring all the pain back again. Now is the time. The pain is back again. The hurt is back again. The hatred I feel towards myself is back again.

I want to die. I don't have the energy to commit suicide because I'm so depressed. For a while I could of done it, when I was on the paxil and was feeling good. I could of tried overdosing or tried cutting, I probably would of done both and stayed in the shower and hope I bled enough to make a difference until the feeling of the drugs kicked in and hopefully made me fall asleep. I have the stuff to do it now, as I've been saving it up. It's enough to knock me unconscious for a while and hopefully a coma, and if I have enough death is very possible. I want it to happen, but I just can't do it. I don't have the energy to plan. I don't have the energy to make anything happen. I don't have the energy to care.

I don't have the energy to have a life, or care that I don't have one. All I have left is the energy to hate myself.