I'm up to 20 * 250mg of Kava Kava extract, pill form, standardized to 30%. I don't feel that different yet, even though I'm on 20 times the recommended dose. This isn't a suicide attempt. I know that I would have to ingest a great many more, or take xanax with this to have an episode of CNS interaction that required hospitilization. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm trying to just feel different. I am worried about Cassy. For the past two days in a row she has told me she wishes she was dead. Last night she cut herself, and she hasn't done that in almost a year I think. I'm worried. I haven't seen Brianna on at all today, but she's probably out doing something as it is a Saturday. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I think I'm placing some feelings on her that shouldn't be placed, since I no longer have Jen to put those random feelings on. This is both good and bad, so I'm trying to repress it and am doing a pretty good job at it. I'm good at repressing stuff. Sigh.
I'll give myself another 30 minutes and maybe I will take another 5-10 pills and see what happens to me. I want to know the amount it takes before it knocks me out. I used to have kava kava powder, and I could ingest a much smaller amount and make myself fall asleep. These pills are pretty weak in comparision. I have some powder downstairs, but I don't feel like brewing myself a nasty tea and swallowing it all. It does work great for knocking yourself out at least - the tea I mean. I don't feel anything from the pills, probably because my natural state is so uppy and restless from my anxiety.