So yesterday I talked to Jen for a long time. I cried for what seemed like two or three hours during that time. Not bad crying, just the kind where the tears keep falling down your face and it won't stop. She found out how I felt about her (that I still liked her), which I didn't want her to find out about at all. But she asked what were my feelings were and I kind of had to say, I mean I didn't, but I did. I hope everything is going okay for her, I really do. It's not any of my business, but I always wanted the best for her, so I'm hoping for the best.

I'm off the Paxil CR completely now, and I think that's the reason for my moodiness. The random crying and the sad feelings and all that. I hope the Lexapro starts taking effect soon. I got a prescription for amitriptylin but I'm not using it. I tried it for one night and I think it worked okay for sedation. I didn't really feel tired just kind of extra relaxed I guess, like the first time I tried a valium or something. I'm keeping it until I can get my new Dr. to prescribe it for my sleep/depression/anxiety and in case I want to kill myself again. Heh, again.

I've been feeling really strange lately. My moods are all over the place. I'm not really doing anything. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel kind of hopeless. I am without hope.