No one was online yesterday night. Not even Cassy to snuggle with and talk to. I don't know where everyone is disappearing or running away to. Maybe it's the holidays and that's why no one wants to be online, but I can't seem to find anyone to talk to or spend time with. Someone that had me blocked for a long time unblocked me (Lisa) last night and started talking, and that's alright, but I never was her friend in the first place, just a friend of a friend.
I really miss Jen and it's really easy for me to admit that. I know that talking to her is two steps back and one forward. I'm not really progressing anywhere probably with myself emotionally and getting any better, certainly not moving anywhere with the depression I have. I do wonder what she's been up to and how her emotional state is and if she's doing alright. I probably shouldn't care, but I do care about her and that's the problem. How am I supposed to forget things when I still Care. I can forget all the events and everything alright, until they are brought up to talk about, but that's alright. I just can't forget the person that it all happened with and I just can't stop caring about that person. I want everything to be alright with that person even though I'm not with them anymore. I want it to be all good and better and it's not. Things aren't good for her, at least as far as I can tell and I want to be someone that can fix it all. I'm not that someone. I'm not allowed to fix it all. I'm not allowed to make it any better. I'm just allowed to talk to her once in a while when she is online and I do that. Sigh. I take what I can get. These crumbs I'm getting are the best thing I've had in months. That's so depressing to think about. That months of my life have been reduced to this, me clutching onto fading memories of the past, of a someone that I won't ever see again, of a someone that is drastically changed, of a someone that doesn't reciprocate the same feelings. It's really hard just living day by day. I don't much have the want or willpower to kill myself anymore. I just don't care. I don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to make plans on how to overdose. I could easily dump several bottles of pills into my mouth right now and swallow them, but I don't care. I care about not being in the hospital. So the only thing I seem to care about is surety. I care enough to make sure I'm dead. I care enough that I clutch on the only reality that is left to me, the only thing left from my old life, and the scraps she will give me. I guess that's what my life is now.