I talked to Kaye tonight and, well, things weren't as good as I wanted it to be. Oh the conversation was fine, but I told her about my small drug habit and she wasn't thrilled. She didn't like it, but she didn't outright hate me either, and said I was still welcome to hang out and stuff. But of course I feel bad and like I'm a disappointment to her, like I'm not perfect as I could be. I hate it. I can't be good for anyone. There is always something about me that makes me feel awful, because people don't like it, or don't think it's that great. And that's how I feel with Kaye now. She wouldn't leave until I said everything is okay. Yeah stuff is okay, but it isn't great. I was all excited to tell her that I wanted to go visit her for Thanksgiving, but now I don't know. I don't want to be a failure. I know I am. And I know that Tessa doesn't even like me drinking wine, so I know that she would hate me doing drugs.
I talked to Tessa some, but she was very depressed over her ex-bf again, and wouldn't really say much to me no matter how much I tried to comfort her. She thinks she's worthless and all those related feelings and I couldn't make her feel otherwise. Again I feel useless and like a failure. I wish I could make someone feel good. I don't care about myself. I hate myself and that I keep failing people. I can't go back and change myself, I'll be set in my ways, i'm 24, there's no going back anymore. Cry.