I don't know what to feel about people. I always end up feeling things that I shouldn't, usually extremely early when there is no reason for me to feel anything. I think I must be horribly desperate to be like this. I'm terribly needy and seem to emotionally latch onto anyone that I can, regardless of if they will let me or not. Sometimes I think I can try to hide it and not let them know, but it must be pretty obvious. Everything about me is obvious.
I feel horribly sad today. I should of stayed in bed longer, but it really wouldn't of helped things, just prolonged facing my own thoughts. I'm sick of feeling this way, why won't it just please go away. Why won't anything I take, other than drugs, make me feel better. It's not an attitude thing as I honestly want to feel better and I try to force negative thoughts from my head, but it hasn't helped anything. So now I take to embrace those thoughts and I'm left feeling drained and sad every waking moment, but there's some romanticism in it, in the deplorable misery that it brings. I must sound like some high school student contemplating suicide because of a bad relationship. Admittedly the roots of this started from something as simple as that, but it's gone long past that and it's more about hatred towards myself and my inability to do anything right and a severe lack of friends. Even the friends I make now, I'm scared of them, scared that I'll do something wrong, and it prevents me from even meeting them in the first place. What a horrid conundrum.

On the medication side of things, my sleep is really messed up. I started taking some herbs to try to reduce my anxiety, don't know if it'll help. I forget to order some kava kava, as I know that helps, even if I build up a resistance to it quick. This Relora stuff seems promising as a lot of people talk about it, so I hope it does something. The Paxil CR is just making me tired and futher screwing up my sleep. Late night talks with Cassy doesn't really help things, but... fuck it, talking to someone is a great deal better than having good sleep hygeine. The Paxil seems to have reduced my overall anxiety level some, but I don't know if I can deal with this lethargy, just hope it goes away.