Last night I stressed out a great deal about the upcoming court date. Today I saw the psychiatrist and I got put on another antidepressent, Paxil CR. More and more waiting to see if this will help any. I hope it does, even if it's just a little bit. I take 7 pills a day for my depression and anxiety. It's starting to feel a little ridiculous, and by next month I'll probably be taking twice as much Paxil CR and/or 3 pills of Neurotin a day. 10 pills a day sure seems like a lot. I'm screwed up and no one understands and no one will give me what will make me feel better. I explain and explain what has worked and what doesn't work, but I still got to go through all of this bullshit. I feel my life wasting away in this pit of depression and my goals disappearing behind my palpable anxiety.

Sigh. I'd cry if the tears would come. They always come unwanted, but never there when I want to cry for my own reasons.

Last night I met a new person online, Cassandra (Cassy), who I enjoy talking to. I'm probably attracted to her, well I am, but I know I'm stupid for even thinking things like this after talking to a person only once. She's actually intelligent and interesting as far as I can tell, and seems to be quite sad and depressed like me. So I can talk about things that most people would feel uncomfortable talking about with her. It's probably not the best for my mood, but I like being able to talk so openly and not have to hide my bad feelings just so people will put up with me.

Kaye and Tessa are nice people too. I talked to Kaye for several hours and Tessa for very briefly. Kaye would like me to come visit sometime, which I think I will, once I get the courage too. Who knows, maybe the Paxil CR will lower my anxiety enough so that I can drive down there and not freak out too badly. It helped somewhat in the past, just not enough. Just another four to six weeks of waiting before it takes effect so I can know. I hate this waiting.
I'm sick of doing nothing, even though I'm scared of everything.

I've scared off all of the people that used to write to me in emails after my last trip to the hospital and mental ward. I guess they can only put up with one bad thing happening to me, not multiple things. I can't really blame them. I shouldn't of even told them. But I have no friends and no one to confide in and seek comfort. It does hurt to tell someone something deeply person and have them not talk to you again ever, but I guess that's the way of things. I shouldn't be so open with people, no matter how much I think they care or how much I think I can trust them. My feelings are always wrong and I always misjudge the situation, so I am better at underestimating everyone.

I want a friend a great deal. A hugging friend, one that I can feel comfortable around crying. One that I can tell all the things that are bothering me and have them tell me it'll be okay and encourage me. Kaye is like that, and I think if I ever actually meet her it'll be a good thing. I'm just so scared.
I'm scared of being scared. Scared of being frightened. Scared of my shyness fucking things up. Scared of myself. Scared of what I'm not and what I am.

I dislike myself more and more. I want to cut and bleed and watch it run down my legs, but I don't even have the energy in me to do that. Sigh.