I feel better. If it's only a temporary solution, chemicals or hurting, it only lasts a little while. But during this time of endorphin induced bliss I can think clearly and remember what it was like to have dreams and desires and, my god, to have motivation to do something. How I miss being like this. How I hate that I've screwed myself up by poisoning myself and how I continue to do so. You'd think I'd of learned now? It's just easier for me to forget. To turn off. To not think about it. That's always how I've dealt with things, but not dealing with them. If I hide in the corner away from people, the problem will eventually go away right? It usually worked, if I waited long enough. Now I have too many problems that no matter how hard I try to hide from them they are always present. I'm slowly making some of them go away - memories mostly. The other upcoming tangible ones are harder to make go away, but easier to hide from. I'm frightened by the upcoming court dates. I don't know how I will cope with it. I've slowly stockpiled extra klonopin for the nights before and the days of, but even with as much extra that I've saved I don't know if it will help stop the panic inducing fear and anxiety that even now is with me.