I'm feeling kind of sad, kind of something. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, all I know is that I can't sleep. I'm tired of not being able to do anything. I'm tired of being scared. I'm fucking sick of therapy and the psychiatrist that won't give me medication that will make my anxiety go away. No, I can't deal with it, and no, therapy does not make it better at all. It just gets worse and worse, each incident compounding the trouble. I'm getting more and more reclusive and I hate it.
I want to go hang out with Kaye and Tessa, but I'm too fucking scared to do anything. I spent last night talking to both of them and it was good, along with Cassy, who I'm starting to get to know a little bit better, but not as much as I'd like. Tessa is a very sweet person and I feel bad that she's going through a lot of emotional trouble right now and having to deal with really bad depression. She's a cutter too, so we can relate in a lot of ways. We're very friendly with each other, saying what we'd like to do and wish we could do, etc. But I always preface it with saying that I'd be too scared to do anything more than give her a hug in real life, which feels really stupid of me. I wish I could just curl up in bed with someone and hold them and have them hold me and know that I was worth something and know that I was needed and know that I was wanted. I think that would make all of my depression disappear. It wouldn't help with my anxiety, but I can draw strength from friends if they are around me in tense situations and I'm better able to cope. But I need medication to be able to have friends like that, so it's some stupid circle that can't ever be fixed. There's always going to be something wrong with me and it makes me want to contemplate death knowing that I'm going to have to deal with these problems the rest of my life. It's not a comforting though and it's not something that excites me. It makes me hate the world and hate people and hate that I'm in this fucking place.