It's a little after 6am and I haven't fallen asleep yet. I have the opiate itchies. There must be some other word for that, but I don't know what anyone else calls it. It's slightly annoying, having to scratch myself all over. I wish I could fall asleep, but my body does not want to. It's been probably 10 hours since I dosed up and I've had enough fun.
I called Brianna and was able to talk more than before, which is pretty good, and maybe it means my social anxiety is getting a little better. It's not like I have been in many social situations to know if it's any better. I want to go to the bookstore today if I'm still awake in 4 hours, just to browse and get that book that Cassy is reading, House of Leaves. I'll probably pick up a few magazines and browse around a bit to see if there is anything else I want to get. My little sister should be getting me some books that I asked for quite a long time ago. I have read very little this week. I have two books I need to finish off, one by Storm Constantine, but I don't really feel like getting into one of her pseudo vampire/fallen angel books right now. I also have a memoir about cutting, Skin Game, that I've been trying to read, but everytime I try to read it I can't get past the first chapter, because the descriptions are so vivid in my mind that they make me feel sick. It's pretty odd, that I can't read about cutting, but I can do it to myself and look at pictures of it, even other people's. Yet I cannot read about it. I'm going to keep trying though, as I want to know more about it.
The impulse-control problem I'm having is getting worse and I really need to talk to my pscyhiatrist. I'll bring it up with the therapist on Tuesday just so she knows about it. If she thinks it's a big enough problem she'll call the shrink and see if they can prescribe me something on short notice, but I doubt she will, it's not a horribly big deal, it just bugs the hell out of me. I think I'll ask the shrink's opinion on how to go about treating it, as I don't have any experience with what kinds of medications I should use. I researched online and it seems SSRIs and the TCA Anafranil are what is used to treat it. So maybe I'll ask to keep bumping the Paxil CR dosage up, from where it is now, 25mg to 37.5mg and possibly 50mg in the end. I should ask her if I can switch TCAs to one that doesn't interact with the paroxetine so I can have a higher dose of it. Imipramine works really well, but I'm limited to a very low dose because of the Paxil. I also need to find some *fucking* way to have her prescribe a higher dose of benzo's and preferably something other than klonopin for the day. It is hardly helping at all. The RLS at night is slightly better, but my anxiety is through the roof and I think that's causing all the face picking, tricotillomania, and bruxing. Maybe if I sound desperate enough she'll at least increase the klonopin to 1mg, which still is no where near enough. Sigh. What I really want is 10mg of valium at night with 1-2mg of klonopin and 3mg of xanax xr taken in the morning. Yeah right, I know that will never happen with this shrink. I can't wait to switch to the other shrink as he's not benzophobic so my anxiety will finally get under control and I can feel like I have my life back again and can start getting my life going - finally.