I'm so lonely. Cassy is in Denver with her little sister at a concert by now. I hope she was able to get tickets alright, and that she has a good time tonight and tomorrow. I wish I had someone to talk to. I mean there are plenty of people online on my list, around 8 people out of 32 are online, but I can't carry a conversation with them. Not the kind of conversation that lasts for hours and hours. I can carry a conversation with Cassy for 8 hours (longest time we talked I think), but I can barely talk to anyone else for more than 30 minutes before getting really agitated and feel like I should go because I'm not saying anything to them of importance or anything that could possible be entertaining for them.
I suppose I'll do the GP thing again and find more people to write to. What is with people these days? So many of them hate to email, they just want to talk to me on AIM, Yahoo or MSN, and they just don't want to put the time in to write a good email, or even a short email. Sigh. I really enjoy that method of communication as it's a lot deeper and more sincere I feel. I wish Erin and I still wrote each other snail mail letters, pages and pages of heartfelt feelings. I miss that. I wish anyone in the world would do that with me. I enjoy writing, but I don't enjoy chatting with people. There are only a few people in the world it seems like, that I can talk to for an extended period of time. I feel guilty, like there must be something wrong with me to want to talk to people and yet hate it at the same time. There probably is something wrong with me, there's a great deal of things already wrong with me, or so people like to say, or my parents or the psychiatist and therapist. Yay.
Oh well. At least I didn't have any bad crying spells today and I haven't felt too terrible except this morning. I feel pretty good right now, all in all, I just feel terribly lonely and empty inside. There's this big hole that I want to fill up with friendship and emotion and feeling, from anyone, if they were just willing. But they don't want to be that close to a person like me. Even Cassy has told me to keep my distance so she doesn't hurt me like she hurts everyone, so I keep a great deal to myself, and yet, we still talk for hours. I don't understand how that's possible. I feel kind of hurt that I can't share well with her, and if I do it'll just accelerate the process of her pushing me away, as she can't deal with closeness for reasons not understood yet.
I'm just rambling. Sigh.
I'm lonely.
Anyone out there? No, I don't think so.