Sorry for not writing in here for a while. My sleep has just been really screwed up lately, been going to sleep anywhere from 5-7am each night. It's been making me feel terrible. When I do get to sleep it's very sporadic and I wake up every few hours full of anxiety, and I find that I'm picking at my face or doing some other obsessive thing, and it's start to carry over into my waking life where I'm using a knife blade and scraping it against my skin trying to shave my flesh, which of course doesn't work really well, so I have to go over the same spot a million times and I end up very red and with some of my skin gone, which is scary. It's mostly on my stomach and a little on my forearms now. I know this kind of behavior used to happen, the picking at my face while sleeping and during the day I'd use tweezers on my stomach, hands, or legs. I guess high anxiety levels might be triggering it? I don't know if I'm going to be able to talk to my psychiatrist about this. I need to, I know, and it's probably because of my anxiety. I just don't want trichotillomania to be added to the "list" of things wrong with me. Sigh.
The Paxil CR is still managing to be sedating and stimulating. It's a little better now, on the 10th? day. I just want to have a normal night's worth of sleep. I'm almost sure of the fact that she'll try to give me some trazadone again and I'm going to explain again how it only keeps me asleep for one sleep cycle and then I wake up full of anxiety again. Sigh. I wish she would increase the klonopin to 2mg at night, but that's never going to happen. Or prescribe some valium which I think would help, along with the trazadone.

Last night was really strange for two reasons.
The first is that my exgf IMed me, and well it really shocked and surprised me. I had gotten to the point where I had been thinking very little of her. The crying spells in the morning had finally went away. I wasn't quite sure how to react. The first 15 or 30 minutes I was crying and had this big empty feeling inside, I guess because I missed her a great deal and I had pushed all thoughts of her out of my head, but they resurfaced that night. I was also feeling very horrible about the things I had done to her in the past and having to think of them again really took a great deal out of me and made the tears just come running down. Eventually the crying went away and I was calm and had a good time talking to her about different things, nothing really in particular, except life (the depressing parts).
The other strange thing is that Cassy came on to me really strong. Which is strange because she doesn't want to meet me, or at least did and changed her mind not to. Oh well. She's still someone good to talk to online. Meeting people does screw things up, as it's never how you wish it was, no matter how careful you are, so I understand how she is.

I guess that's all. There's a lot more that I should write about, but I'm getting depressed thinking about everything in general and wish my head would slow down or shut up. Sigh.