I'm feeling lonely. It's my own fault for isolating myself and deciding not to talk to Kaye or (especially) Tessa anymore, because they, like most people, can't or won't understand how I feel and how I am, when I'm this depressed and scared to do anything. They always say things that make perfect sense, things that everyone tells me, but I just can't do any of that. I'm sorry everyone. I need to get out of this deep depression my own way, and it's horribly slow and I hate that fact, but I can't just start leading a normal life all of a sudden and pretend that I feel better. I wish I could just do that, just snap out of it, or what not. I'm not a stupid person. I know when I'm thinking things that aren't good for my mood and am pretty good at rationalizing it away and thinking about other things. So what if I listen to sad music all the time Tessa? I don't feel that it makes me pathetic. I don't feel that me not being able to go anywhere makes me pathetic. It makes me feel like a loser, yeah, but it doesn't make me pathetic for not being able to do something when I'm undermedicated. Sorry.
So I try this gothic personals thing again. So far I've only written to one person. I seem to be very picky and I hope that the one person I wrote to writes back. I hope they email me instead of wanting to talk online like everyone else. I miss emailing people. I miss having meaningful conversations with people online. I blame the lack of that on me, but I still miss it. I don't know what's wrong or different with me, but something seems to be. Sigh.