The crying spells have come back to me. I lay in bed and try so hard not to cry and hold myself while I rock and the tears still come out of my clenched eyes. I don't know what to do. I really want to start cutting myself again, but I can't let myself or I'll never be able to quit again. I snorted tramadol a few minutes ago while watching the end of Requiem for a Dream. How fucked up is that? I still don't feel better. I'm crying now.