I actually fell asleep before the morning and managed to sleep 5 hours. I woke up around 8am today and even felt like doing something, but by the time I got out of the shower I started to feel depressed and scared again. I just wanted to go to the bookstore for a few minutes and I'm not even able to do that. I'm so shy that I can't even do anything. Sigh. Each day of my life is exactly the same. Wake up whenever, it doesn't really matter, wait until people get online in the evening, talk to them until they go to bed and then try to go to bed myself. Repeat again and again. I feel as bad as I did when I wasn't on any medication, I don't know why. I keep wanting to cry so bad and the thought of cutting is getting to be irresitable again. Tessa was telling me how she cut an X over her heart last night and that made me want to cry. Cry because it's such a beautiful and creative thing, and cry because it's such a sad and depressing thing and I hate that she feels that bad and no one around her knows the depth of her hurt. I've been having thoughts of kissing someone's cuts, especially an X over their heart and tasting them. I've never had thoughts like this and I haven't told anyone. I've always been squeamish around other people's blood, and my own blood kind of makes me feel sick if I get it from an accident or something, not if I make the blood myself. I wonder what she'd say if I told her that. I think I will if I see her tonight online. She fakes being happy and bouncy around everyone when she feels awful. I wish I could do that, as at least I'd be somewhat productive and get things done and I'd be able to be around people. But all I can do is feel miserable and scared and avoident of every possible situation. I hardly can leave my room as anywhere else I start to feel uncomfortable. I'm going to hate to see the therapist tomorrow. I'll have nothing to say and it's been two weeks since she cancelled last week. You'd think I'd have something by now to talk about, but I don't. I guess I'll talk about how the medication isn't working and stuff as that's easy to talk about and isn't really about me. She'll have nothing to say of course as she isn't the one prescribing it, she'll just ask inane questions and I'll answer them, and we'll both pretend that we're getting somewhere.
I hope I can stay awake tonight. I hope I don't do drugs again tonight. Last night was horrible. I was about to break down but I took some Ultram before it happened, being all teary-eyed and sad. Snorted 2 pills which I almost never do and it didn't hurt as much as it usually does, which kind of scares me. I almost never snort it, but when I do it burns horrible, worse than anything I've ever snorted. But it only burnt a little bit, and I've only ever snorted 2 pills a few times before, maybe once or twice. I swallowed another one or two, I can't even remember. I felt so dizzy 15 or so minutes later, but that went away after an hour or so. I hope I don't do that again, that was stupid of me. Tessa told me that Kaye hates alcoholics and druggies. Cry. I know I convinced her that what I do is okay, but I know that it's not. I know that I'm lying to myself and I know that I'm dependent on Ultram and need it to keep myself happy. I told her it makes me happy and antidepressents don't. And she said, well I guess if it works then it's okay. But I know she probably doesn't mean that, even if she thinks she means it, she probably thinks I'm horrible for it. Sigh. Or maybe I'm making it all up. Either way I feel bad about it, because I know that it's a bad thing, even if I managed to get her to accept it. Tessa doesn't even know about it. I had to say goodnight when she told me that as I felt so awful, as she's the same way too. How did I manage to make such good friends online that hate such a basic part of me. I know it's good that they are how they are, as if they were drug users too I know I would start using again in horrible amounts. I can't ever have anything, as nothing is right for me, or rather I'm not right for anything. Cry.