I talked to Jen this afternoon for a couple of hours. I didn't cry at all this time. It was okay talking, it's sometimes hard to think of what to say without asking anything personal, which I don't want to get into and I know that she doesn't want to talk to me about. It's strange treating someone that used to know you very well (and still does?), like a, I don't know, casual friend? But they aren't even a casual friend, because they hate and dislike me, but that's how the conversation is or feels, or whatever. Except it's not. I can't even explain and I don't know what I'm talking about.
I feel tired and lonely. I miss the past, but I don't want to think about it or revel in it. Sigh.

"will someone please call a surgeon who can
crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
that you're deserting for better company?
i can't accept that it's over.
...

so just say how to make it right
and i swear i'll do my best to comply

tell me am i right to think that there could be
nothing better
than making you my bride and slowing growing
old together

i feel i must interject here. you're getting carried
away feeling sorry for yourself with these
revisions and gaps in history.
so let me help you remember. i've made charts
and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've preparead a lecture on why i have to leave

so please back away and let me go
i can't my darling i love you so...
...

don't you feed me lines about some idealistic
future
your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing
out the sutures"
- Nothing Better, Postal Service (paraphrased)