The holidays always make me feel so lonely. At least this holiday and other ones when I didn't have friends. I guess for a short few years I had something really great and now it's gone and I'm back in depressing grey season. It's not a time for cheer, it's a time of reminiscing and wishing. It's not a time for smiles, it's a time of crying and hurting. Why did I ever do such a stupid thing. Why can't I forgive myself. I know I won't ever be able to, but why can't I at least push it out of my mind for a while. It was gone for a few days off and on and I felt marginally okay, lonely but slightly hopeful at a new chance to start things again. I still managed to be alive afterall that I've done to my body, all the chemicals I've subjected it to, all the cuts and scars I've marked my body with. I'll never be rid of the memories. The drugs left their effect on me, they still do as I can't stop doing them, but I feel dull and stupid, nothing like I used to be and I'm sure I've lost something - I don't know what, but it's not there anymore. Did I kill my soul? All the marks on my body will be there forever, no matter how much I try to make them go away, some will fade with time, but the bad ones will stick out, raw and discolored. Just like certain images in my mind.
The only way I can purge myself is by deadening my mind and my body with alcohol and with opiates, flooding the memories of my mind with that dopamine inflicted wave of bliss. I wish I was innocent. I wish I was young. I envy everyone that still has a life ahead of them, with choices and dreams and all the good things that life is supposed to be about. Not this fucking farce of a life, where I struggle to get by every day, where waking up is the hardest thing I've ever done and where I'm too scared to face the outside world, and all those faces alive with emotion out there. My face is blank, the only time it changes is when tears fall down my face. My jaw clenches and I try to fight it off, my face contorts because it doesn't want to feel the hot tears running down again, but I can't stop it no matter how hard I try. I just give into it. Let myself sob, let the hole inside and the hurt build up until it feels like there's nothing inside me at all, clenching myself tight in my arms to hold whatever is left of me inside and not let it escape with the falling tears.