I actually slept kind of good last night. I didn't sleep very much, only 6 hours I think, but I didn't wake up a whole lot. I'll probably end up taking a nap in the afternoon like I always do.
I'm pretty sad that Kaye hasn't written back to me. Maybe she didn't get my email or something. Or maybe she's just sick of me and didn't want to tell me and me writing that letter was the best thing to do. Except now I'm all curious and want to talk to her and see if she got it, and if she did I'm going to feel stupid for being online. If she didn't get it, well I'll still feel stupid as I'll have to say why I don't want to talk to her or Tessa for a while. Which will be difficult and will make me sound like an idiot.
I've been feeling fairly well the past couple of days and today also. It could be because I have been on tramadol for two nights straight. Yeah, that's probably it. Either way I don't have any for today so I'll probably end up having some withdrawal and will be bitchy and moody and feel horrid. Hopefully now. Hopefully the antidepressents are finally starting to work and that's the reason I feel okay and am not constantly thinking about hurting myself, the past that I miss, or wishing that I was dead. All that general bad stuff. There are still relapses where I want to cry because I remember some small thing, or someone says or does something that reminds me of something in the past, but I guess that will always be like that for a long time. It took me forever to forget everything associated with Rho. Years. Ani Difranco was still associated with her years later. I remember crying in Melissa's car when she played it and I just kind of silently tried not to make any noise and hope that no one would notice. I don't think anyone did except for Jen. At least now I can listen to it and it has it's own associations for me now, at least the CD Out of Range, which will forever be associated with Diana, as that was the CD that I spent a couple months crying to. I wish I hadn't of been obsessive about her and whatever image of her that I had created in my mind. I wish I had never gotten attached and had never let myself mourn over something that never existed. I'm sure it hurt Jen that I was expressing that kind of emotion over someone that really meant nothing to me, even though at the time I didn't think that. And all the mean things I said to Jen during that time. I wish I could take a lot of things back. But I can't. I can't change anything. I can't make anything different. I can't ask anyone for forgiveness, and if I could, it wouldn't be given. I hate what I've done and I hate what I've lost because of it. I hate the kind of person I am. How can I be so selfish and hurtful to the people that I cared about most. It's too stupid and ironic that I realize all of this after I've lost it. I wish I was smart enough to know what I was doing and what the results would of been. I shouldn't of toyed around with people like that. I shouldn't of messed with their feelings like that. I should of thought of someone other than myself for once. But it'll never change no matter how sorry I feel, and no matter how much I cry, it'll always be the same. There will only be memories and all I can do is remember the good things and blot out the bad things - and have this imperfect memory with gaps and holes where I was an asshole.
I am sorry. Cry.