I miss talking to Maegan. sniff. Talking to other people online doesn't compare and I can't tell them feelings and ask their opinion. And I don't really care about them either, so I can't return the favor even if they are being nice and ask how they are doing without any kind of sincerity other than a distant friend would. Oh well. Hope everything is going well for her.

I think I'm going to ask Erin if she might want to thinka bout visiting sometime time in the future after she returns from Mexico and Californa, (middle of August), she wants to say hi to me on the phone for my birthday, and I think I'll let her. I am curious as to what she sounds like, just to know her voice, not really curious to talk...just hear a voice, and let her hear mine. I guess, if I'm not going to college it can be easy for me to go visit her.
Nicole will be in Texas soon, about 5 days, which I could visit her, but her boyfriend dislikes me greatly as he gets jealous that she spends so much time talking to me, and I don't think he'll take kindly to the idea of seeing me again in real life, when it's supposed to be their time alone. Just would like to see Nicole again and give her a hug, even if she hates them, and say hi and thank you and leave her alone.

Talked to my parents about school, etc. And I said I cannot go to school or work without antianxiety medication and no Dr. will prescribe me it, at least none of the fucking cheap idiots that you keep sending me to, and I'm tired of spending hours begging talking to a psychotherapist, saying yes, yes, I've tried that drug, yes that one, yes that one, yes that one, yes I've tried relaxation techniques, yes I've tried cognitive therapy, no I don't care about the roots, because they are my problems and I really don't want to share them with you (I didn't say that because that would piss them off), but you get the idea. The only possibility is if they go to Mexico and smuggle drugs for me, lol, but I told them that it's very, very illegal as it's scheduled medication. So right now, I'm in limbo, justified in my doing nothing, but hating it at the same time. I don't enjoy doing nothing. I want to be doing something. I want to take a class or two, I want to visit Erin, I want to not be scared again.

I guess in the meantime I'll continue with my hobby, selling drugs to keep paying off debt and continue to fill my room with plants, even though I will probably be eventually moving and it'll be yet another room that I have populated with life that makes me feel comfortable and I have to leave it all behind. I hate leaving plants behind to incompetant people and I consider all people incompetant as no one cares as much as I do about the things I take care of, as they are my things, not theirs. sigh

Well, I guess that's all. Song of Kali is really good, and I enjoy getting some learning while I'm at it about Burmese/Hindi/Sikh/etc culture and learning about Kali in great more detail; the secret cult if it's based on anything (I'm sure that it has roots) is very creepy and enjoyable to read about even if it scares me in an odd way - not a typical horror way, a way of making you feel unsure, I guess because all of this is foreign, it feels like an uncomfortable shadow in the back of my head, and you're not really sure where it came from. Good book so far. Dan Simmons is awesome at horror, he should do more of it, but it's too intellecual for most horror readers to enjoy; it's hard for me to grasp at times.