I've pretty much haven't talked to Ardere in almost a week now, which while is a relief, it makes me feel guilty. It's not like I haven't looked for her, but I also haven't been spending oodles of time online like I used to. I still am online a lot, I don't kid myself, I check my email every hour, but mainly to see if Erin or in the rare chance Maegan has written me, but I don't spend any time on AIM anymore, I just can't stand people for whatever reason, and I only go on MSN to check for Ardere & Maegan, and thankfully I haven't found Ardere. I feel really guilty with the ring that she sent me. The amethyst is fairly large in it, and I have no value of jewelry, but it's definately worth more than the normal rings that I would wear. I need to try to return it, but I think she'll refuse. I still try to e-mail her once a day and try to keep up a facade of friendship, because we can be friends, but she doesn't write very often, maybe she realizes what's going on without me having to say anything. It still makes me feel really awful.

I'm secretly trying to save up at least a couple hundred dollars so I have a reserve fund for whenever I get the courage to visit Erin, gas money and for food and stuff, etc. Not exactly sure how I'm going to save up this much extra when I'm $7000+ in the negative last I checked, getting a credit card bill for more than $5000 today really isn't my idea of a good way to start the day. Money always gets me depressed as I grew up in such opulence and was able to get almost anything I wanted with a little whining, so I guess I squander anything I have as I don't want to have any cash on me as it reminds me of my father and the thought of him revolts and reviles me.
Guess I need to sell more drugs or something, somehow, even though I barely make any money on that, half the time losing money because I'm too nice to charge more than they cost me, but I need to change that if I can.


"where was your conscience?
where was your consciousness?
and where did you put all those letters
that you wrote to yourself
but could not address?"
Ani DiFranco - from Marrow