Well the relatives finally left. That is very, very good. Had an enjoyable time in Denver with my sisters, saw the Netheworld, Onyx, Snakepit, and the Church, so I'm pretty set if I want to go dancing. lol. Bought clothes I really shouldn't have at Fashion Nation. Just bought 2 collars and a bracelet on Ebay for really cheap, matching purple collar & bracelet set and a pink collar, so now I have 3 collars, don't know why in the world I need 3 neck collars. Also talked the the amazinly cute and stylish and punkish girl that worked at some store on 16th St. Mall and flirted with her as she had The Cure playing and we kept looking at each other and smiling, or asking questions like how are you today and stuff. It was frightingening that I could be so flirty, and I gave her my softest voice and biggest smile and she just brimmed with emotion inside. I wanted to hug her and say, you are really cool, but I didn't. lol. Maybe I'll see her again tonight, I might go to the Snakepit, as I'm invited, but I don't feel like going there I think.

Erin writes me these beautiful and emotional letters that make me want to melt (and I do) every time I read them, it feels a lot like when I was emailing Jen in the very beginning. I don't know If I'm supposed to feel really scared of feel really happy. It's amazingly good, however, in that we will not exchange pictures or call each other (she wants to call on my birthday just to say hi... but I'm not sure if I'll let her), so it's paced how I like it - as slow as humanly possible while making you ache and hurt every second.
Rather unlike the whole Ardere thing and I do need to follow Maegan's advice, as I've been thinking the same thing myself. Just everytime I break up with someone I feel so horrible and awful, because I take it so personally, that I *myself* wasn't good enough for them and that's why it should end and if I was a better person none of it would be like that. If feels like my fault. She's so horribly entranced with me that I don't know how to stop it, I've been trying to talk to her less and hope just be that she will distance herself, but the only thing that happens from that is I get an email every hour whining asking where am I. I hate it. I try to explain when I go to school I will never be on in the hopes that it might make her realize that this is not a good thing, but all she says is you have your own life and I understand that, but she doesn't when she emails me every hour saying she misses me. To say you miss someone is okay, to tell them that every hour is not, it's obsessive and unhealthy. I miss all of my friends, but I don't feel compelled to tell them that all the time. I need to figure something out. She knows something is going on with me. She even asked if I'm trying to break up with her...and I should of said yes. But I wasn't trying to break up with her yet, I was trying to let her know that I feel bad when she writes me an email every hour and makes me feel guilty.

I haven't been on drugs for 1.5 days, which is pretty good I guess. Think I'll go 2 whole days in a row. So I feel pretty good about that, except my head and back are killing me from taking pain killers everyday, every little ache I have is amplified a million times because I'm not on anything. Have been doing a lot of read. Currently trying to read 3 things right now, the book Maegan lent me, the Wraeththu series (good, but very..thick.. hard to read, not intellectually, just slow), and some vampire erotica which seems to like to have a lot of short stories dealing way gay sex which is turning me on a lot more than I thought. I really don't like girls at all except to hug and kiss and touch, but I like having oral sex with guys a lot and girls too. I don't really seem to like sex, but I've only been with 2 girls, so I don't know, I always enjoyed everything leading up to sex a lot more than sex itself. Oral sex just seems so much more intimate and passionate and I love it.

I applied for mental disability and hopefully I'll be able to get it, as that will pay for my medication and give me some money to live on. It took me 2 years in MA before I got it as the waiting list was so huge. I am seeing a stupid Dr. on Friday as my father insists that seeing a Dr. will help, when I'm very doubtful if he will be willing to prescribe me what I need as Dr.'s are not. And plus I don't even have the money afford the stupid medication if I have any. I need medication for my anxiety and seizures even more than that so I can actually have a good night's sleep. My parents just refuse to pay for it, makes me want to kill them as they don't believe there is anything wrong with me and it's all in my head. I'm not crazy and anxiety is a real thing and so are my seizures. I feel like crying.

Well that's all for now. I really wanted to go to the greenhouse again but my mom isn't here and I can't go out by myself because I'm so scared. I keep filling my room with more and more plants, but it's no where near brimming and that's how I want it to be, luscious colors of green surrounding me and a nice living courtain of different Ivies that I will grow myself.