The end must be near, it's only ever near when I post a personal ad looking for long-term romance. My other 2 ads there are pen-pal and other, but now I have 3! I should feel special, especially lonely that is. The last time I posted an ad looking for a long-term relationship was over 4 years ago on Yahoo personals (back then they were free, it was actually nice. type in the word "goth" and sort through lots of people), and it resulted in me meeting Jen, over the course of talking about 3-4 months online, and we eventually got together after I visited once for a week (very, very scary to visit someone in their dorm and stay a week - but fun. It was an all-girl's dorm so everyone thought she was having an extended doing it session, even the police came because I was there so long because it seemed fishy...). Those were good times sleeping on the floor between her and her roommate (Nicole). Knowing I had a friend on each side of me, that's such a good feeling, not just one friend, but two. It's more than I'll ever expect to have or feel. That was one of the best weeks in my life. Feeling madly in love with someone and knowing they felt the same way, taking long walks during the night around the beautiful UMASS campus, walking around the nice pond there, visiting the closed up church, sitting on the stairs in the shadows of university buildings holding hands and talking softly because we were still scared and shy, but we liked each other so much that we could whisper gently. Nights of feeling the time pressing, times of making out in a roomful of people at night while they were sleeping, panic at the lack of time and lust mixed up with a little bit of scariness not knowing if someone was awake or listening to the sounds we were making under the covers. I've never felt so passionate and lustful and caring compared to the last night together, the hotness of her skin seemed to burn like a fire. I can't remember a time again with anyone ever feeling like that, or the intesity of my want for someone ever that strong, or me so gentle and kind and caressing. Sounds kind of like a fairy tale, I think it was. When I met Jen later we used to have this game where we'd post personal ads on Yahoo and try to find each other and email the other person to find out if we were right. It was a fun and scary game too. I wasn't in the game to find people on the side as friends, but I know that she was. She was always looking for more, more friends, more something. I hope I can give someone enough that they don't feel like they need something else. I want to be more than satisfactory or just okay, just to someone.

I must be incredibly depressed and lonely, that's how I felt the last time I made that ad 4 years ago. I'm also incredibly lustful and want to share that feeling with someone and reciprocate and give them myself completely. I feel such safety in letting someone have me completely, even if it leaves me open to being hurt incredibly easy.

On a side note... I noticed while looking at my blog I had new ads for drugs to help me sleep. Guess all those posts about that sleepless night did it. It's kind of funny so see my life expressed in advertisements (and depressing) - so far I'm depressed, anxious, and can't sleep. Right on the mark I'd say.