Half the time I want to die and run away from everyone. Some of the time I want a million friends, but they all end up being liars and cheats and frauds. The rest of the time I just want to be near someone who doesn't lie, even if I have nothing in common with them, and even if they don't say a word to me. It'd make me feel secure.

I don't feel secure now with people that I know, with their names changing every day, and their lives being a made up story. I only ever feel secure by myself, or perhaps in a rare moment I might feel secure when I'm with Maegan talking to her online, but I feel like I'm a bore and I don't want to call and do anything to screw up what remains. I know I'm very paranoid and it's hard to think good things about myself. So I never have a clear idea of what is going on in my life. All I know is I feel alone, insecure, and I really miss people and hate people at the same time.