Drugs, drugs, drugs, keep me from sleeping. I'm so productive though. I do so much more than I ever did, instead of just sitting around and laying in bed crying. I still do the crying, just not on drugs.

I'm really depressed, but no one cares, and no one reads this anyway. Just some stupid words to type to myself and remind myself how worthless I am.

Met a cute boy today, with a really nice ass. 16 years old and he still doesn't know much about being gay or relationships. I don't want to have sex with him even though he'd let me. I think I just want to cuddle with him and show him that a guy can be a nice person and like him and not want sex. He's in an abusive relationship with a 21 year old who fucks him in the park at night and hurts him and calls it SM, but he's a jerk. I told him to stop seeing him. I hope he does, but I know he won't, because he's so lonely. I don't blame him. I'd stay in that relationship too if I was in it, because I feel lonely and I want to get hurt, I deserve it. He wants to watch movies and cuddle or introduce me to some of his friends at the Netherworld, which seems like very scary. But I've lost my fear. I lose my fear when I'm depressed and I do the worst things I can think of to myself. Things that will hurt me a lot when I am feeling better. He's so sweet, I don't want to use him, so I'm not - I hope.

Set up a date with Tami in two weeks, on Sunday, to see her in the park alone. She will pick me up and we will hang out and get stoned probably and I'll give her some things to make her feel good and we'll cuddle and make out probably. Maybe even fuck in the park. Parks seem to be meant for fucking.

Am supposed to see Ryan again tomorrow too. No sexual attraction at all other than waxing romantic for a schizoprenic that is really strange. No fucking him until I get more depressed. I give myself about another week before I hit that point.

More annoying life. More annoying me.
Doesn't anyone care? No.

I'd cut if I could. I'd die if I could. But I guess if I punish myself enough I'll get some lesson out of this and learn something about myself and my depression. I'm amazingly not doing much drugs. Only once every other day now so far. Instead of twice a day when I was an addict. Haven't shot up with anything yet....either. So, all in all, I'm in pretty good shape. I feel happily depressed.

Go me.