I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm talking to a million people and I like every single one of them. What's wrong with me? I'm going to hurt someone's feelings by doing this, I know it, but I just want someone that cares about me. I don't even know what kind of person I want to care about me. The time I find someone that likes me I don't like them, because they like me. It's stupid. This morning I let myself get out of control and erm. cybered with Ardere Saga, which was good (I guess? I got her off 3 times.), and she made me feel loved and cared about. She's really good at that, and she says I'm the best person in the world and the most caring person that she's ever met. Everyone says that about me. But I don't feel it. Now I just feel all confused and tired and bad. I do like Ardere, but she likes me a great deal now, and it's very easy for me to say I like you to someone, because I do, and it's not much harder for me to tell them I love them, which I did, which I hope doesn't lead to any hurt. She wrote to me expressing concern about how things were now, and I told her I'm scared of things going fast, which I am, and I don't want to hurt her, because I really do care about her and do like her, unlike other people that I stop liking when they like me.
I just feel all fucked up and I don't know what to do with my emotions. Why do I even let them out, they just lead to trouble and confusion. More times than not it leads to the other person hurting more, and that hurts me so much to know I hurt someone.

Why do people have to like me when I've been a horrible person to them? I was reading Melissa's journal and she was talking about how much of an asshole I am for doing what I did to Jen and calling the police, etc., and then she proceeds to defend me one of her friends commented and said yeah, Allen sure is an asshole. And Melissa goes on and on saying you have no right to say that about him, you don't know him, and even though he did a lot of bad things, he is still a good person. That hurts me more than anything. People that hate me think I'm a good person. Why can't they just hate me.

Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."


I think I'm going to get fucked up, I can't think about all of this. People confuse the hell out of me and I don't know how to feel about anything.
I don't think I have the maturity to have anyone, not even a friend.